PYONGYANG, North Korea – The North Korean Central News Agency announced a new program by President Kim Jong Un intended to kill anyone who intends to kill themselves. The program comes on the heels of a report by Radio Free Asia on rising suicide rates in North Korea.
In a statement filmed at the historic Mt. Paektu, Kim addressed his people directly after arriving on screen riding a white unicorn. “Suicides grieve me as your Supreme Leader. They are acts of treason against socialism and just plain mean. We are the happiest nation in the world, right behind China. To keep that status we need people who are alive because only I have the ability to know if someone is still happy after they’re dead.”
The Central News Agency stated Kim’s view that citizens considering suicide require reeducation on socialist principles and “the joy of living in the world’s strongest economy with the most healthy diet, fighting American war maniacs and their vassals day after day, year after year, decade after decade.”
The new program will “temporarily relocate” anyone contemplating suicide to a reeducation camp until they demonstrate a proper dedication to anti-capitalist theory, or “until they die an honorable death from starvation, exposure or torture. Whichever comes first,” said the Central News report.
“In this way, our Supreme Leader shows that he is so dedicated to his people that he grants their deepest wishes. If they want to die, he helps them,” the Central News Agency said.
According to sources at high levels of the North Korean government, Kim privately suggested that depressed people should emulate him and simply find comfort through dedication to fighting the US or by extra helpings of champagne and caviar. Kim also remarked to his close circle, “Look, if suicide was an appropriate option for tough family issues, I would have recommended it for my sister a long time ago.”
Known for his fascination with filmmaking, Kim has commissioned a new spy thriller that reinforces his message titled “You only die twice.” He also launched the new slogan, “Live until you die Kim’s way!” for billboards throughout North Korea.
One unique program aspect is that Kim is copying the US Veterans Administration by establishing a “hotline” to help citizens with suicidal intent. By keeping suicidal patrons on hold for extended periods, the hotline will keep them alive longer. Like the US VA hotline, it will serve as a central resource where people can theoretically call for assistance and probably still die anyhow.
Gray Sea Liu contributed to this uplifting story.